Why Punishments Don’t Work (And What To Do Instead)
Happy Thursday! You made it!
When my younger child was little, we had a go-to punishment for pretty much everything: we’d take away their iPod Touch (remember those?).
Rude or sassy? Hand me your iTouch.
Did something sneaky? iTouch.
In trouble at school? You guessed it.
At some points, they turned it into a game of keep-away, refused to hand it over, or hid it. And while we always managed to get it from them, the whole routine set up a power struggle that had nothing to do with the actual issue at hand. It didn’t teach them anything useful; it just added another layer of conflict.
For a deeper dive, head over to this week’s blog post .
Lots of parents ask me about punishments — how to make them “stick” or which ones “work best.” The truth is, punishments are often randomly assigned penalties that have little to do with the real problem (iTouch, anyone?). They’re often made up on the spot, usually fueled by frustration, and they range in severity depending on the parent’s mood.
The end result? Punishments may stop behavior in the short term, but they don’t build the skills kids need in the long run.
Consequences, on the other hand, are what naturally follow when a boundary is crossed or an expectation isn’t met — even after preparation and problem-solving.
When done well, consequences shift the focus from “How do I punish my child?” to “How do I help my child learn from this moment?”
Real World Strategy:
Shifting from punishment to consequence can turn a problem into an opportunity to learn and grow. Here’s how:
Name the misstep as simply as possible (without guilt, shame, or blame): “Your dishes are still in the living room.”
Link it to a logical consequence: “Please take them to the kitchen and clean up the crumbs.”
Set the expectation for next time: “If you forget your dishes in the other room again, you’ll have to eat your snack in the kitchen until we figure out a system that works.”
Follow through calmly. Kids may push back — your job is to be ready to hold the boundary the next day, and the day after that.
Why it works? When consequences are tied to the behavior, not your frustration, they teach responsibility without a power struggle.
🌊Want to dive deeper? To learn more about consequences, check out Parenting in the Real World: Let Consequences Do Their Job (Level 2, Course 7, Section 5).
📚Resource of the Week:
Want to know more about how parents’ actions shape and mold their children’s brains? Check out this clip of an interview with psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Dan Siegal.
💬 Join the Conversation:
Find me where the slightly overwhelmed, curious parents gather: Bluesky / Instagram/ Tik-Tok
💌Newsletter Archive:
Missed a good one? Want to revisit past nuggets of wisdom? Find them all here.
👋 Need More Support?
If you feel like it’s one ineffective punishment after another, reach out here. Parenting doesn’t have to be this hard.
You’ve got this.
Cari
p.s. Know another parent who could use short, sweet, and actually useful parenting tips? Forward this along! (And if someone sent this to you—nice work, you have thoughtful friends!) Click here to sign up and access the full archive.
