Why Punishments Don’t Work (And What To Do Instead)
When my younger child was little, we had a go-to punishment for pretty much everything: we’d take away their iPod Touch (remember those?).
Rude or sassy? Hand me your iTouch.
Did something sneaky? iTouch.
In trouble at school? You guessed it.
At some points, they turned it into a game of keep-away, refused to hand it over, or hid it. And while we always managed to get it from them, the whole routine set up a power struggle that had nothing to do with the actual issue at hand. It didn’t teach them anything useful; it just added another layer of conflict.
Why Punishments Don’t Work
Lots of parents ask me about punishments — how to make them “stick” or which ones “work best.” The truth is, punishments are often randomly assigned penalties that have little to do with the real problem (iTouch, anyone?). They’re often made up on the spot, usually fueled by frustration, and they range in severity depending on the parent’s mood. Case in point: The difference between losing their iTouch for a day or a week mostly depended on how my day had been. This unpredictability led to my kiddo thinking that my stated consequence was a negotiable opening offer. Enter another power struggle.
The goal of a punishment is to make a child not want to do something again by imposing something harsh, embarrassing, or unpleasant. The problem is that punishments:
Rarely connect to the behavior itself.
Invite pushback and power struggles.
Layer stress onto the parent, who feels like they have to invent them on the fly.
Punishments may stop behavior in the short term, but they don’t build the understanding or skills kids need to solve the real problem in the long run.
Enter Consequences
Consequences, on the other hand, are what naturally follow when a boundary is crossed or an expectation isn’t met — even after preparation and problem-solving. Effective consequences are:
Consistent and close to the behavior.
Developmentally appropriate.
Self-enhancing, meaning they help teach a child what to do differently next time.
Perceived as “fair” by the child, even if they don’t like it.
When done well, consequences shift the focus from “How do I punish my child?” to “How do I help my child learn from this moment?” It’s not pleasant, but at least it’s useful.
Natural & Logical Consequences
Some consequences happen naturally — spill your water, and you’re wet. Forget your coat, and you’re cold—no extra parenting required.
Others consequences are logical, meaning they’re tied directly to the misstep and require some parental involvement. Spill your water? You clean it up. Stay out past curfew? You lose the car for a while. Logical consequences are;
Related to the behavior
Proportional to the misstep
Designed to teach responsibility.
Real World Strategy:
Shifting from punishments to consequences has four main steps:
Instead of: “Get in here right this minute and clean up your dishes! I can’t believe you left them in here again! I’ve asked you 5,000 times. What is so hard about this?!?! I am not your maid service!!!” Name the misstep: “Your dishes are still in the living room.”
Instead of: “You’re on clean up for a week! I’m so sick of this!” or “You clearly cannot handle watching TV and having a snack, so no TV for 3 days!” Link it to a logical consequence: “Please take them to the kitchen and clean up the crumbs.”
Instead of having a power struggle or storming off angry. Set the expectation for next time: “We’ve talked about this a few times and I’m feeling frustrated. So, if dishes get left out again, you’ll have to have your snack in the kitchen– so no TV time during snacktime– if it happens again. Then we’ll need to work together to figure out a system that works.”
Follow through calmly. Kids may push back — your job is to be ready to hold the boundary.
Why it works? When consequences are tied to the behavior, not your frustration, they teach responsibility without a power struggle.
Want to dive deeper? To learn more about consequences, check out Parenting in the Real World: Let Consequences Do Their Job (Level 2, Course 7, Section 5). Parenting in the Real World
