Why Rules Fall Apart (and How to Fix Them)
Happy Thursday! You made it!
Let’s talk about rules and expectations. I honestly couldn’t count how many lists I’ve typed up over the years – rules, guidelines, reminders, chore charts – you name it. Some were ignored. Most were abandoned because they were ignored. Either way, they rarely stuck for long.
Most of us didn’t set out to be rule makers. In fact, if our kids would just do what they were supposed to do, we wouldn’t need rules at all, right? But here’s the thing: rules aren’t about control. They’re about clarity and consistency. Kids need to know that someone’s in charge — and spoiler alert: it can’t be them. When kids feel like they’re running the show, it doesn’t give them freedom; it gives them anxiety.
Still, a lot of us end up in what I call transactional parenting:
“If you don’t clean your room, I’m taking your tablet.”
“If you don’t turn off the TV, no screens tomorrow.”
“If you don’t fill your water bottle, I’m not sending it at all.”
It’s not that consequences are bad. It’s that this kind of approach usually leads straight into a power struggle. You threaten, they resist, things escalate, and everyone melts down.
But most of the time? The issue isn’t the rule. It’s the relational dynamic around the rule. We’re stuck in a tug-of-war instead of sitting next to our kid, saying, “This isn’t working. Let’s figure it out together.”
That shift, from “Do what I say or else” to “Let’s work this out,” is everything. That’s the foundation for real cooperation, real skill-building, and real respect.
Real World Strategy:
I’m not a huge fan of those big laminated Family Rules posters with 172 bullet points. (But if that’s your thing, go for it!)
Instead, try this. Start with five simple questions:
How do we stay safe?
How do we act like good people?
How do we stay healthy?
How do we show care for ourselves and others?
How do we contribute to the family and the world?
Let your values guide the expectations, and those expectations to grow with your kids.
You don’t need a perfect system. You need a flexible one that evolves with your child’s development and capacity.
🌊Want to dive deeper? To learn more, check out Parenting in the Real World: Clarify Expectations (Level 2, Course 7, Section 4). We’ll talk about:
How to set expectations that actually work
What to do when they push back
And how to stop rescuing them while still showing up
📚Resource of the Week:
Want to explore choices and consequences without making it so heavy? Choose Your Own Adventure books are perfect. From toddler board books, to early chapter books, middle grade stories, and even (creepy) big-kid versions — they’re a fun, low-stakes way to help kids understand cause and effect.
Bonus: they’re actually fun to read.
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👋 Need More Support?
If you feel like you’re yelling rules into the void, reach out here. Parenting doesn’t have to be this hard.
You’ve got this.
Cari
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