One Shift That Changes How You See ‘Bad’ Behavior
Happy Thursday! You made it!
Last week, I got an email from a client who was deeply concerned about their child’s behavior. Their kiddo had suddenly started acting sassy at school and refusing to follow directions at home. The parent explained:
“They already don’t watch TV, and we don’t want to take away reading together because it’s the thing they love most. Sometimes, they don’t even seem to connect their behavior with the punishment, but we don’t know what else to do.”
First, I reassured the parents that boundary-pushing behavior is totally normal. That doesn’t make it easier to tolerate – but it is developmentally expected, and not cause for alarm.
Then, I asked a few questions that I’m going to share with you, because they apply across the board from toddlers to teens – when behavior doesn’t align with expectations:
If kids do well when they can, what might be getting in the way of your child doing well right now?
What story are you telling yourself about your child’s behavior? (This parent mentioned their child “doesn’t respect adults or authority.” That story left them feeling hopeless and out of control.)
Is there another story that might explain the behavior? (There usually is.)
Is there a skill or understanding gap that’s preventing your child from cooperating?
Instead of jumping to consequences, I encouraged parents to get curious. That night, they leaned into curiosity – and their child opened up.
They shared what they were feeling, and together, they figured out the real issue behind the behavior and what to do about it.
Real World Strategy: Getting curious about why your child is acting out doesn’t mean you’re letting things slide. It just means that consequences aren’t your first tool. When you understand what’s driving the behavior, you can shift into problem-solving mode instead of staying stuck in problem-finding mode.
Book Recommendation: The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene
If you’re ready to stop asking “What’s wrong with my child?” and start asking “What’s getting in their way?”, this book is your go-to. Dr. Greene introduces the idea that kids do well if they can—and that lagging skills, not bad intentions, are often behind challenging behavior. It’s practical, compassionate, and honestly, a game-changer.
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You’ve got this.
Cari
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