“CALM DOWN” Doesn’t Work (here’s what to do instead)
Happy Thursday! You made it!
I was an emotional kid. Big, messy emotions, a lot of the time. And, truth be told, I am an emotional adult. Less big and messy (mostly), but still a defining part of who I am.
A big difference between kid me and adult me is that now I understand where my emotions come from and what I can do about them. I didn’t learn this as a child. The closest we got to a Social/Emotional curriculum in the ‘70s and ‘80s was getting kicked out of class into the hall to “CALM DOWN.” (Note: Not helpful.)
We’ve come a long way since then, but so many families I work with still struggle to teach their children about emotions. We talk about feelings and make room for them much more than we ever have before, but the feelings themselves and where they come from remain a black box.
💥Real World Strategy
Here are two ways to give your kids a 30-year head start on understanding their emotions:
First, work on understanding your own feelings. The reason is simple: You can’t help your children understand something you don’t yet understand. And there’s research to back this idea up: Parents who are aware of their own feelings are more equipped to support their children when big feelings arise. If this feels like a tall order, you can learn alongside your child.
Second, look for opportunities to engage in “emotion coaching” with your children.
Here are a few elements of emotion coaching:
When you notice a behavior, get curious about the feeling your child might be having underneath the behavior (in other words, what is causing them to act this way?)
Help your child learn to name their emotions with increasing specificity (instead of just “sad,” you can ask if they are “disappointed,” “grumpy,” or just “feeling blue”)
Talk about feelings without trying to solve anything
Trust that they are capable of tolerating their feelings, even if it’s really uncomfortable
🔋Resource of the Week
The easiest way to approach teaching big, hard concepts to kids is to start with children’s literature. If your kids are young, picture books are magic, pure and simple. You can find a list of my absolute favorite kids’ books about emotions here.
If you’re looking for a more systematic approach, take a look at Freeing Freddie, a gorgeous online program designed for families with kids of all ages to learn together about emotions, mindfulness, and gratitude through stories, videos, activities, and discussion prompts. I am proud to partner with Free the Mind Co, creators of Freeing Freddie, to offer 10% off all online purchases through their website using the code CARIN10 at checkout.
🌊Use Your Membership to Dive Deeper
There’s much more where this came from! Check out Parenting in the Real World:
Unpack Emotions (Level 1, Course 3, Section 3)
Cultivate Kids’ Understanding (Level 1, Course 3, Section 4)
Regulate (Level 2, Course 5, Sections 1-8)
Want to talk it through? Join us on our next coaching call.
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✨Need More Support?
I leave time in my schedule every week for current clients who need some extra TLC. Grab a time on my calendar. (If you don’t see something that works, email me at cari@carinewmancoaching.com, and I’ll do my best to work some calendar magic.) Parenting doesn’t have to be this hard, and you don’t have to do it alone.
You’ve got this.
🩵Cari
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