But/And
Happy Thursday! You made it!
Imagine this:
You run into a friend who says, “I love your new haircut, but…”
Or a colleague says, “Great job on the presentation, but…”
Or a family member says, “Dinner was delicious, but…”
No matter how many superlatives or compliments they give you in the first part of the sentence, the word “but” changes everything. It basically means, “Ignore all the nice stuff I just said because now I’m going to tell you what I really think.” Oof. Sounds pretty bad when I put it like that, doesn’t it?
Here’s the thing: We do this to kids All. The. Time.
“You gathered all the socks, but then left them in the middle of the floor!”
“You answered the first part of the essay question, but didn’t address the second part.”
“You emptied the dishwasher, but left your dirty dishes on the counter.”
“You did one good thing, but it’s meaningless in the face of the thing you didn’t do.” I know this isn’t what you mean, but* it’s certainly how the word “but” makes people feel. (*see what I did there?)
The good news? There’s an easy fix. This might be the easiest, quickest, and most life-changing communication tweak you’ll ever make.
Instead of “but,” say, “and.”
That turns the statements above into:
“You gathered the socks. Great job. And now you can take them upstairs to the laundry room.”
“You answered the first part of the question, and now you can tackle the second part.”
“You emptied the dishwasher. Thank you so much. What’s your next step for the dirty dishes? (Look! You didn’t even need the word “and” here; you just let the gratitude and question do the work for you!)
💥Real World Strategy
Use “and” instead of “but” and watch your communication transform. Even if you goof and say, “but,” you can recover by adding, “and” right behind it. Clunky? A little. But/and it still works and keeps communication much more positive.
🔋Resource of the Week
Are your kids obsessed with butts? Here’s a funny kids’ science book that normalizes curiosity about tushies: Butts are Everywhere by Jonathan Stutzman.
🌊Use Your Membership to Dive Deeper
For more easy life-changing ways to communicate more clearly and positively, check out Parenting in the Real World: Speak with Care (Level 2, Course6, Section 3).
Want to talk it through? Join us on our next coaching call.
💬 Join the Conversation
Chat with me and other parents about this week’s topic on Bluesky/ Instagram/ Facebook/ TikTok.
💌Newsletter Archive
Missed a good one? Want to revisit past topics? Find them all here.
✨Need More Support?
I leave time in my schedule every week for current clients who need some extra TLC. Grab a time on my calendar. (If you don’t see something that works, email me at cari@carinewmancoaching.com, and I’ll do my best to work some calendar magic.) Parenting doesn’t have to be this hard, and you don’t have to do it alone.
You’ve got this.
🩵Cari
p.s. Know another parent who could use short, sweet, and actually usefulparenting tips written for real people by a real person? Forward this along! (And if someone sent this to you—nice work, you have thoughtful friends!) Click here to sign up and access the full archive.
