Why Your Great Advice Makes Your Kids Mad
Happy Thursday! You made it!
Have you ever offered your child some really solid advice — like the kind of wisdom you wish someone had given you — and instead of gratitude, you get… irritation? Or maybe full-on anger?
It’s confusing, right? They came to you for help!
Here’s what’s really happening: miscommunication. It’s the number one breakdown I see between parents and kids — and most of the time, it’s not about what we’re saying, but what kind of conversation we’re having.
When kids come to us upset, most parents go straight into problem-solving mode. It’s loving, it’s instinctive, and it’s often not what our child actually needs in that moment. Sometimes they don’t need a solution at all — they just need to feel seen or soothed.
So before you jump in with advice, try asking: “Do you want to be heard, hugged, or helped?”
Younger kids usually just want to be heard (and maybe hugged). They’ll run over crying about something, and once they’ve told you, they’re off again. Older kids might need a different version — something like, “How can I support you right now?”
If they’re used to jumping into fix-it mode, this might throw them off at first. That’s okay! You can say, “When I jump in, it might seem like I don’t think you can handle it — but I do. I just want to make sure I’m supporting you the way you need.”
Then listen for what they need:
If they want to be heard: mirror back what they say. “Wow, that sounds frustrating.” “You’re right, that doesn’t seem fair.”
If they want to be hugged: offer comfort, a hug, or quiet empathy. “That sounds really hard.” “ I get it.”
If they want to be helped: instead of giving the answer, guide them with questions. “What options do you see?” “Which one feels best right now?”
The goal isn’t to fix every problem — it’s to stay connected while your child figures things out.
Real World Strategy:
Not all meaningful conversations have to happen face-to-face. Sometimes side-by-side talks — while walking the dog, driving to practice, or cooking dinner — help kids open up more easily. There’s something about not having direct eye contact that makes it easier for them to talk.
🌊Want to dive deeper? To learn more about how to connect through communication and respond to your child’s needs with empathy instead of advice, check out Parenting in the Real World: Communicate/Listening (Level 2, Course 3, Section 2).
📚Resource of the Week:
Want to learn more about different types of conversations? Watch this TED Talk by Charles Duhigg, who breaks down how understanding the kind of conversation you’re in can change everything.
💥 Bonus Resource: I recorded a podcast episode called “Breakdown Breakthrough” that runs through the Top 10 Communication Breakdowns I see in families and how to stop the madness. Check it out here! (You do not need a Substack account to listen to it!)
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👋 Need More Support?
If you feel like every conversation with your child turns into a misunderstanding, or you’re stuck between wanting to help and not knowing how, reach out here. Parenting doesn’t have to be this hard.
You’ve got this. And I’ve got you.
Cari
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