Why You Should Stop Trying to Change Your Kids
Happy Thursday! You made it! If you’re celebrating Thanksgiving, I hope it’s a happy one.
Hold onto your hats because this newsletter is a doozy, and it comes just in time for everyone who is spending holidays with family.
The truest thing that I tell every single private client before we begin coaching is that we cannot change our children. I know this because– believe me– I have tried. And, everyone I know has tried. My guess is that you have tried, too.
It doesn’t start with our kids. When we are young, we try to change our parents, siblings, and friends, and- later- our partners. We try to change them in small ways, like asking them not to do that annoying thing they always do, and in big ways, by trying to teach them how to treat us. And every time I see someone trying to change someone else, I watch the basic truth unfold– we simply cannot change other people.
What we CAN do is influence others. A good example of this idea is trying to change how others treat us. You can talk to the other person, lecture or yell at them, or act angry when they get it wrong. But at the end of the day, you can’t MAKE someone treat you well. They either will or they won’t. What you CAN do is influence their behavior by deciding what YOU will do next. Your response to a person’s behavior will shape how they treat you in the future.
What does this have to do with parenting? Everything! If your goal is to change your children, let me save you a lot of time and energy– it won’t work. This is not a popular idea. Parents like to think that they can make their kids do stuff. And some parent training experts sell parents on their “proven method" to make their children comply. But unless you can still strap them into a baby carrier and tote them around, you are well past the time of making anyone do anything.
What you CAN do is influence them. And the very best, most positive, and most successful way to influence a child’s behavior is with your own. This also has the added advantage of being fully under your control.
So focus your time and energy on figuring out what matters to you, what you will and won’t tolerate from others, and what you will do next when someone pushes on a boundary. Then you won’t need to change the other person because you will have changed yourself. And, given patience, time, and some support, you may also find that in the process, you have influenced the person you thought you needed to change in the first place.
Tip of the Week: Instead of constantly cajoling, begging, arguing, and giving consequences to try to make your kids do something, consider if there is a move YOU can make to shift the dynamic.
Resource of the Week: Please enjoy this article by the brilliant Martha Beck that exemplifies the idea that we can’t change others, but we can control our responses: The Comeback Kid. (Side note: I have had a paper copy of this article in my bedside table for about 15 years– I kid you not.)
Want to explore how I can help parenting make sense, even when you feel like you want to change everything? I can help. Reach out.
You’ve got this,
Cari
One more thing– Please forward this to any other parents who might love some short, sweet, and useful weekly parenting tips! (If you got this from a friend, good job for having such thoughtful people looking out for you! Please head over to my website to check it out, or click here to sign up for the weekly newsletter.)
