ONE Communication Shift to Rule Them All
Happy Thursday! You made it!
Have you ever found yourself yelling and you don’t really know how you got there?
Here’s one scenario a parent shared with me recently: They had a simple thing to say to their child; they said it, and got no response. So they said their child’s name. Nothing. Then louder. There’s no way they couldn’t have heard it, but the parent still got no response. They repeated the child’s name again, only this time they were yelling, and the tone made their irritation clear.
The child looked up, totally surprised that they were being yelled at “out of the blue,” and immediately got defensive. An argument followed with some more yelling, some storming off, and some door slamming. The parent felt frustrated that a very simple attempt at communication didn’t even make it past the starting line.
This is just one example of how communicating with kids is… tricky. It seems like children often don’t hold onto the things we want them to remember, yet they somehow manage to listen when we least want them to.
But here is one thing about communicating with kids that I know is absolutely true: Children ALWAYS hold onto how we make them feel.
The child from the accidental yelling above didn’t feel great. Their parent unintentionally broke the very first Guiding Principle for Communicating with Kids:
There’s a Right Way to Get a Child’s Attention
If you are trying to get a child’s attention who is in the same room:
Say their name and WAIT for them to answer.
If they don’t answer, try one more time at the same level of intensity and volume.
If they don’t answer again, please, for the love of everything holy, don’t just say it louder.
Instead, walk over to them and gently touch them on the shoulder or get a tiny bit in their personal space. Then wait. (If you were hoping for some eye contact, say, “Can I have your eyes for a second so I know you’re listening?” Then wait.)
When you have their attention, give them a little smile, and say whatever you were going to say.
There are lots of contingencies, like, what if they still don’t answer? What if they aren’t in the same room? What if you don’t know where they are? Even the VERY FIRST step of communication– making or accepting a bid to communicate– can be something families have to work on.
Tip of the Week: Try the strategy I laid out above to get your kids’ attention and see how it shifts the communication in your home. Let me know what happens!
Resource of the Week: One of my all-time favorite parenting books is about communicating with kids: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elane Mazlish. It was originally written in 1980 so some of the examples (in the first edition) seem very quaint, but the strategies are pure gold.
Want to explore how I can help improve your family’s communication, even if you can’t get past the starting line? Reach out to learn about working with me.
You’ve got this,
Cari
One more thing– Please forward this to any other parents who might love some short, sweet, and useful weekly parenting tips! (If you got this from a friend, good job for having such thoughtful people looking out for you! Please head over to my website to check it out, or click here to sign up for the weekly newsletter.)
