When Kids See the World in Black & White (and How to Help Them Find the Gray)
Happy Thursday! You made it!
Let’s talk about something that shows up in almost every home I work with: Black-and-White Thinking.
It’s when kids (and plenty of adults!) see only two options: people are either nice or mean, a day is either the best ever or the absolute worst, and there’s no middle ground.
For little ones, this is developmentally normal. For older kids, it can become a habit. And sometimes, it shows up in spectacular fashion (like when screen time ends and suddenly, this is “the worst thing that has ever happened” and “life as we know it is officially over.”).
It’s tempting to call it manipulative, but often they’re just using the loudest tool in their toolbox to hold on to what matters to them. The problem? We parents tend to meet their black-and-white with our own: “Absolutely not” or “You have three seconds or you lose it for a week.”
I’m not saying we give in to every request. I am saying these moments are a goldmine for modeling flexible thinking and showing our kids that there’s a whole world of “in-between” between “all” and “nothing.”
🧠 Real World Strategy:
Next time your child goes “all or nothing” — whether it’s over screen time, chores, or a sibling squabble — pause before you react. Acknowledge their feelings, then just hang out in the discomfort with them a bit. If they continue to push, gently explore what would help them feel supported in the moment.
For example: “I hear you. You’re really disappointed that the pool closed because of the thunder.” Then stop talking and see if they can sit with the discomfort. If they keep pushing/ asking/ talking about it, say, “I wonder if you just want to be sad right now or if you want to talk about why the rule is no swimming during a storm.”
The goal isn’t to fix the black-and-white thinking instantly; it’s to plant the seed that gray areas exist, even if they don’t want to hear about them yet.
🌊Want to dive deeper?
Current clients– Join an upcoming group coaching call to explore other ways of encouraging flexible, non-binary thinking.
New here? Parenting in the Real World offers practical strategies for navigating challenging parenting situations. Check it out!
📚Resource of the Week:
What If Everybody Did That? by Ellen Javernick is a fun children’s book that encourages kids to think about the ripple effects of actions and explore multiple perspectives.
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You’ve got this.
Cari
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