Parents' #1 Communication Mistake & How to Fix It
Happy Thursday! You made it!
How many times has this happened– Your child comes to you upset and you give them sound, thoughtful advice based on your many years of hard lessons learned… only to have them get irritated or angry at you for weighing in? Huh? THEY asked YOU, right?
Here’s the thing: MISCOMMUNICATION is the number one breakdown I see between parents and kids. And most of the time, miscommunication comes down to one person having one kind of conversation, while the other person is having a totally different kind of conversation.
If you’re like most parents, when your child comes to you upset, you’re likely to jump into problem-solving mode. This is normal! Your child is hurting, frustrated, or stuck, and as a loving, supportive parent, you are primed to help them.
But what if they don’t really need your help at that moment? What if they just need comfort or someone to listen? When you jump into an emotional conversation with practical suggestions, it creates a conversational mismatch that leaves your child feeling misunderstood and you feeling annoyed and perplexed (because who wouldn’t want your amazing advice?). This mismatch is the cause of So. Much. Upset.
So how do you figure out what your child really needs when they are distressed? The best and easiest way is to ask them.
For younger kids, you can ask if they want to be heard, hugged, or helped. More often than you’d expect, they want to be heard and hugged. This happens when a child runs over to tell you that they got hurt, but as soon as they tell you, they run off to play. Somehow telling you was all they needed.
A big-kid version of heard, hugged, or helped is: “How can I support you right now?” or “What would feel supportive at this moment?” (Important aside: this also works with spouses, partners, friends, and colleagues.)
If they are used to you jumping in to problem solve, this new approach might irritate them at first. That’s okay! One of my kids got really mad at me when I did this; they said, “I just want you to tell me what to do, mom.” (Ah, ha! Busted.) Even if they ask you directly to solve the problem for them, stick with it and say something like, “When I jump in, I’m accidentally sending the message that you need me to solve the problem. But I think you know what to do and I want to try to support you. So I’m asking how I can do that.”
Then listen for clues about what they need.
If they need to be heard, they might want to just unload. This happened to me this morning when my younger child came to me visibly irritated and said, “It is so stupid that my computer science class requires us to learn a specific language, but our final project isn’t in that language.” I said, “Wow- that does seem really dumb. You’d think if they were teaching you the language, they would want the final project to be in that language.” (This is an example of mirroring– I didn’t repeat exactly what my kiddo said, but pretty close.) Then I said, “What do you want to do about it?” and they answered, “Nothing.” And that was that.
If they need to be hugged, they might seek physical or emotional comfort. This is when you can hug or touch your child gently (if they will let you), and just let them emote. When they tell you how they’re feeling, just say, “That sounds really hard,” “I hear you,” or “I get it.” You can do some mirroring here, too, if it feels right.
If they want to be helped, they might tell you they just need to know what to do, or they might ask for practical advice. Instead of telling them what to do, it can be powerful to ask a series of questions to get them thinking for themselves. If they say, “Tell me what to do,” or “What would you do?” try responding, “Can I ask a few follow-up questions first? What do you think your main choices are here? Out of those choices, which feels like the one you’re considering most? Why does that seem like the best one right now? If I have another idea, would you want me to share it with you?” Questions like these help the child think through the situation on their own, with support from you if needed. If they insist on hearing your opinion, it’s helpful to frame it as, “Here’s what I did one time when I was in a similar situation, and here’s how it turned out.” Then they can draw their own conclusions. This is another way of showing them that you think they’ve got this (even if you’re secretly not sure).
In this newsletter:
Tip of the Week: Consider that not all “serious” conversations have to be face-to-face. While it can be helpful to avoid distractions while having a conversation with an upset child, it can sometimes be more helpful to do something together, like walk the dog, throw a ball back and forth, do an art project, or have a meal or snack. Some of the most profound conversations I’ve had with my kids have happened when we’re in the car, both facing forward.
Resource or Activity of the Week: Check out this TED Talk by Charles Duhigg, who explains the three types of conversations:
If your attempts to hear, hug, or help end in exasperation, tears, or yelling, schedule a free call to start working on your parenting goals today.
You’ve got this,
Cari
P.s. One more thing– Please forward this to any other parents who might love some short, sweet, and useful weekly parenting tips! (If you got this from someone else, good job for having such thoughtful friends looking out for you! Please head here to sign up for the weekly newsletter.)
