How to Really (Really) Listen
Happy Thursday! You made it!
A LOT of people have reached out to say that this week’s reminders about communication– especially listening– really hit home! Parents say that while they understand how important listening is, they (secretly) spend most of their “listening” time thinking about what they are going to say when their child (finally) stops talking. But it’s important to remember that listening isn’t just another name for waiting your turn so you can build a case or offer a point-by-point rebuttal (no judgment, I’ve been there).
So, here is a friendly reminder that at the heart of deep listening is genuine curiosity. In fact, deep listening starts with a true desire to understand the other person. This sounds simple, but is actually really challenging, because we cannot listen deeply while also trying to shape, convince, or even influence the other person’s thinking.
So, how do we actually listen deeply? There are some pretty concrete steps:
Watch your body language. That means, put down your phone or other distractions, face them and lock in with your eyes, lean toward the other person, nod to show that you’re hearing them, and resist interruptions.
Make an open-ended bid for information. This might sound like, “Can you tell me what’s going on?” or “Help me understand what is happening.” (Hot Tip: If I can remember, I try to avoid saying, “What happened?” because that usually encourages more upset. If it accidentally slips out, no worries.)
Mirror/Reflect what they say. In simple terms, you’re repeating what you heard and checking to see if you got it right, for example, “What I’m hearing you say is…” or “Did I get that right?” For older kids, you might try, “Does it feel like I’m getting it?”
Create space for following-up without digging. You don’t want to “interview for pain” or make things worse, so to avoid doing that, reference what the child said, while offering to go deeper. You could try, “What was that like for you?” “How did you respond?” or “Is there anything else you want me to know right now?”
Empathize with them. Empathy is the ability to understand the emotions of another person. You can empathize deeply without agreeing with them. You’re basically saying, “I understand how you’re feeling.” This might sound like, “That sounds really hard.”
Validate what they are saying. Again, you can validate without agreeing. Validating is simply saying, “I can see that you feel the way you feel.” You could try something like, “I can see why you would feel that way. Lots of people in your position would probably feel just like that.”
Clarify your role by asking, “What would be helpful from me right now?” or “Are you looking for me to just listen, or do you want feedback/advice?”
You’ll notice that at NO POINT during the listening process do you make your thoughts or feelings known to the other person. There will be time for that in the next part of the conversation! During the listening part, your only role is to do the seven steps above.
Now, go forth and practice listening. You might be surprised at what a relief it is to not have to have all the answers.
Tip of the Week: Oh, wow, this whole newsletter was a Tip of the Week, so I’m just going to leave well enough alone 🤣
Resource or Activity of the Week: Here is a PDF version of How to Listen Deeply.
Reach out and let me know what you think. I’m listening. (See what I did there?) Click here to send me a message.
You’ve got this,
Cari
One more thing– Please forward this to any other parents who might love some short, sweet, and useful weekly parenting tips! (If you got this from a friend, good job for having such thoughtful people looking out for you! Please head over to my website to sign up for the weekly newsletter.)
