Don’t Feed the Trolls
Happy Thursday! You made it!
There are so many names for talking back: being sassy, mouthing off, backchat, being cheeky, giving mouth, being fresh, or being a plain old smart-ass. All of them are equally unpleasant, and they show up in homes around the world courtesy of children from toddlers to young adults (and beyond).
Sigh.
Kids talk back for all kinds of reasons- being hangry, tired, testing boundaries, feeling upset, worried, sad, fearful, or out of control. All of those are legitimate, AND they don’t excuse bad behavior. But addressing talking back at the moment it happens sets up a power struggle.
So, here’s my number one Real World Strategy for when your child has a big ol’ sassy mouth:
Don’t feed the trolls.
In other words, don’t engage in the moment. Verbal sparring just adds fuel to the fire.
When a child is being fresh, talking back, or being sarcastic, if you respond by getting sassy or sarcastic back, you are modeling the exact behavior you don’t want them to emulate. Similarly, getting in the last word teaches kids that it’s really important to get in the last word. Again, the opposite of what you are trying to teach.
Instead, don’t react to the back-talk. Simply make your thinking visible by saying something like, “Hey, I’m not sure if you know that you’re sounding pretty sassy right now. I’m happy to help you with the situation you’re in, and I need you to speak to me like a person.” Or, if they’re younger, “That sounds kind of rude to my ears. I don’t think you meant it that way because you’re asking me a favor. Can you please try it like this…” Then model how you’d like them to ask the question in an expected tone of voice.
Resource of the Week: Just to assure you that back-talk isn’t just happening at your house, check out this classic song from The Coasters, circa 1958.
Join the Conversation: Bluesky / Instagram/ Tik-Tok
Newsletter Archive: Want to refer back to a past newsletter? Access them all here.
Want to explore how I can help parenting make sense, even when you can’t seem to communicate without conflict? Reach out through the contact page of my website!
You’ve got this,
Cari
One more thing– Please forward this to any other parents who might love some short, sweet, and useful weekly parenting tips! (If you got this from a friend, good job for having such thoughtful people looking out for you! Please head over to my website to check it out and click here to sign up for the weekly newsletter and access to the archive.)
