Why Your Child’s Outburst Isn’t Your Fault
Happy Thursday! You made it!
There’s a lot of research out there linking kids’ emotion regulation challenges to early childhood trauma, childhood neglect, abuse, and chronic low levels of validation — like when a child’s feelings are dismissed, ignored, or judged by caregivers. And if you Google something like, “Why is my child dysregulated?” — those are the first results you’ll see.
And honestly? That makes me feel pretty dysregulated.
Is it true that children who’ve experienced trauma or neglect often struggle with regulation? Yes. Of course. But implying that most kids with regulation challenges have a history of trauma or adversity? That feels a lot like when people used to believe Autism was caused by cold, unresponsive “refrigerator mothers.”
I’m not a social scientist or psychologist, but I have spent the past few decades working closely with hundreds of families. I’ve seen:
Kids with every conceivable reason to fall apart… who somehow don’t.
Kids with zero trauma who struggle to self-regulate.
Siblings raised in the same home, with the same parents, same school — and wildly different regulation abilities.
Unstable parents who raise regulated kids, and extremely calm parents with kids who have zero chill.
So is there a link between trauma and dysregulation? Probably. But to suggest that dysregulated kids are automatically the result of something their parents did — or didn’t do — is just flat-out wrong.
The truth is, the vast majority of parents I’ve met are doing everything they can to give their kids the safest, most loving childhood possible. Period.
Real World Strategy:
Let’s commit – starting today – to building a culture of support over shame. That means:
Offering help or a kind word to the parent whose kid is melting down in public.
Letting “I’ve been there” be enough to make someone feel less alone.
Surrounding yourself with people who see your effort and say, “You’re doing great.”
Because parenting is hard enough without judgment. Find your people – the ones who lift you up – and stick with them.
🌊Want to dive deeper?
Check out Parenting in the Real World: Regulate (Level 2, Course 5, Sections 1-8) to learn more about emotion regulation in adults and kids.
📚Resource of the Week:
I’ve curated this book list on Bookshop.org, all about emotions and emotional regulation for kids. Check out the “Kids' Books about Emotions & Emotion Regulation” shelf; it’s full of tools I trust and use often.
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👋 Need More Support?
If your house feels like Dysregulation Central lately, reach out here. Parenting doesn’t have to feel this hard.
You’ve got this.
Cari
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