Calm the Storm: What to Do In the Moment
Happy Thursday! You made it!
Your kids' big feelings aren’t the problem. When kids feel safe and know how to handle big feelings, they can move through even the stormiest emotions. When they don’t? All bets are off. Just remember this:
Your job isn’t to teach a lesson mid-meltdown. Your job is to be a HAVEN.
HAVEN (quick and real):
Hold Space: Stay close. Fewer demands. Less language. No fixing.
Attune: Notice their state and meet the moment. Soften your face. “I see how upset you are.”
Validate: “That makes sense.” (You don’t have to agree to validate.)
Exude Calm: Get physically low, slow your words, soften your tone.
Navigate this moment: No problem-solving until everyone’s calmer. You’ll circle back.
This isn’t about doing it perfectly — it’s about trying something different. When emotions start to bubble (or boil), you can practice being a HAVEN in real time.
When your child’s upset, it can help to have language ready before your brain goes offline, too. These phrases keep you connected without jumping into Fix-It Mode:
“I believe you. That shoe does feel wrong. What should we try?” This shows belief without judgment.
“Mad and safe can happen at the same time. I’m here.” This reinforces safety even when emotions are messy.
“We can talk solutions after your body settles. I won’t forget.” This reassures them that help is coming, just not right now.
These tiny shifts in language communicate, I see you, I believe you, and we’ll get through this together.
If hitting/kicking starts: step out of reach; block with the least force possible; narrate plainly: “I’m moving your hands so you don’t hurt me.” If you move away and they follow you, that’s a bid for connection. Invite them with a boundary: “You can be with me when your hands are safe.”
Real World Strategy: Low. Slow. Soft
Low: Kneel or sit on the floor.
Slow: Half your word count; halve it again.
Soft: Gentle voice, relaxed face. (I sometimes add a tiny smile so I’m not scowling — works wonders.)
🌊Want to dive deeper? To learn more about helping your child feel and process big emotions and exactly what to do during dysregulation, check out Parenting in the Real World: Unpack Emotions (Level 1, Course 3, Section 3) and Respond to Dysregulation (Level 2, Course 5, Section 7).
📚Resource of the Week:
Here’s a HAVEN cheat-sheet for when you need a reminder.
Read: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk includes timeless tools for naming, validating, and staying connected even when feelings are big.
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You’ve got this. And I’ve got you.
Cari
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